


So You Want to Be a Necromancer: A Beginners Guide

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Alternating Time Setting, Gen, Government Conspiracy, M/M, Mommy Issues, Multi, Nazis, Necromancy, Post Stick of Truth, Taco Bell, Zombies, nazi zombies - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:36:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2576795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congratulations! You've taken the first step to becoming a full-fledged necromancer!<br/>Whether you intend to summon a legion of Nazi Zombies to destroy a small town in Colorado, or if you intend to enslave the human race by joining forces by the elder god Cthulu, you've made an excellent decision!<br/>With the power of necromancy at your disposal, you're now able to do whatever you like to your enemies. Especially those who have decided to banish you from space and time. With the ability to summon armies of the dead, nothing will stop you from becoming his Dark Lordship Clyde Donovan.</p>
<p>{Focuses on Stick of Truth time period and the seasons leading up to it.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You Want to Be a Necromancer: A Beginners Guide

**Author's Note:**

> I just really like the idea of Clyde becoming a legit necromancer. Kthx.

**_So you want to be a necromancer?_ **   
**_Congratulations! You’ve taken the first step in practicing the fine art of communicating with and summoning the dead! This is a very big decision so we’re proud to know that you’ve committed yourself to this questionable and quite possibly problematic hobby!_ **

  
With fingers fumbling around the small vial he’d stumbled upon in the work site of Taco Bell (what a load of crap, anyone with a brain could see it wasn’t a Taco Bell. That’d explain why the adults around had no idea what was really going on) he’d read over the contents of the bottle a couple times before he realized that this wasn’t the promised Verde Sauce that Taco Bell had released for public consumption about a year ago. This was something beyond his control. Perfect.

Alarms went off. Loud ones ringing through the compound, alerting guards and soldiers to his presence. Wandering eyes scanned around, noting that...those alarms weren’t coming from the room he was in. Shouts of “It’s out!” echoing through the hallways, it spoke of one thing to the ten year old, hiding in the secret storage closet. It meant diversion.

  
**_The first thing you need to know about necromancy is its origins! After all, one must know about the history of something before diving in headfirst, lest you repeat the pasts awful mistakes! The word necromancy comes from Greek routes, combining the words ‘nekros’ or ‘dead body’ and ‘manteia’, or ‘divination.’ The act of necromancy is the spiritual connection between the dead and the living, and comes in many different forms!_ **

  
In order to get out of this storage closet he had two options. Let himself be discovered and apprehended either by guards or the zombie wandering the halls, or he could try and make his way out of the conveniently sized ventilation shaft he’d come in through. He could always come back later for the larger barrels of the goop he’d discovered. Maybe even bring someone to help him. A few vials on hand for now were good enough and into his backpack they went, and into the grate he vanished yet again.  
  
Crawling on hands and knees, he listened to the chaos occurring beyond the plaster and drywall. Seemed as if all the guards were being taken out by the one zombie they had caged away and someone was dealing with them. Most likely that new kid. What a tool.  
  
He wouldn’t need to be here if it weren’t for that stupid new kid. He wouldn’t need to be stealing this government property. Grumbling to himself, he squeezed through the particularly tight spot in the shafts (tight for him, impossible for Cartman and easy enough for a skinny kid) before he was on his home stretch back into the woods.

  
**_Necromancy can be as simple as the act of hosting a seance to the extreme end of summoning the dead to be a personal, private army! In today’s day and age, most forms of necromancy involve summoning spirits either with ouija boards or even as complicated as a lawfully endorsed SUEance! Did you know you can go out of your way to sue the dead? The joys found through necromancy are endless!_ **

  
“What’d you find in there?” nasally sounding and faintly lisped from braces adhered to his teeth, Clyde crawled out to find his neighbor and best friend poised with an open backpack, awaiting his bounty. With a grin that only emphasized Clydes youthful deviance, he unzipped his bag to reveal the vials upon vials of the green, oozing liquid.  
  
“Check it out.” he said, dropping the vials into the other boys bag, ignoring the blank stare and obvious lack of impression on Craig’s face.  
  
“Green shit.” he replied, not as a question but a blatant statement quietly insisting that his friend offer him an explanation just with the tone of his voice. “How are we going to take down Cartman with green shit. Are we going to throw it on him?”  
  
“It’s not just any green shit. It’s government protected, zombie creating green shit.” Clyde said as he divideds the vials more evenly and closed up the two bags before getting to his feet to hoist his own over his shoulder.  
  
“Zombie creating green shit.” Another sound showing the lack of amusement being had by Craig Tucker slipped past his lips, a sigh if you will. After his many, many instances as a bystander of the chaos that occurred within this quiet, mountain town, he’d come to conclude that the whole reason that this ‘zombie creating green shit’ was here in the first place had to do with those four jack-offs. If they weren’t playing their stupid game, this wouldn’t have happened. “We can’t get a break, can we? It’s always something fucked up. It’s like giant guinea pigs in costumes weren’t bad enough. No, now we need to have zombies. Again. Aren’t they getting a bit played out?”  
  
He who was banished from space and time shot him a glance, trying to make sense of his cynicism. Again? Zombies again? A brow quirked upwards, and lower lip dropped away from upper one in a momentary lapse of comprehension as it smacks him in the face. Right. The Pinkeye epidemic. He had this relatively fuzzy memory of being bitten by Kenny at some point and then sinking his teeth into Bebe’s skull shortly after. Good times to be had at South Park Elementary.

  
**_The start of necromancy can be traced back to the early periods of shamanism where shamans would try and communicate with the spirits of their ancestors in order to address the complications of the living. One of the earliest accounts of necromancy can be traced back to Homer’s ‘The Odyssey.’ That’s how long necromancy has been around! Can you think of anything you’re a fan of that has necromancy in it?_ **

  
“So you’re telling me. That this space ship that the government is trying to pretend is a Taco Bell had a radioactive goo on board that turns people into zombies?” It was as if Craig wasn’t even trying to hide his annoyance at the situation anymore. Then again, most people who had to deal with what he dealt with wouldn’t be too cheery about these turn of events either. “And we’re going to use it on Cartman, how?”

“We’re going to pour it on a bunch of dead people and bring them back and make them kill him. I wrote it all in my rulebook. And if they don’t kill him, we’ll make him suffer and then kill him ourselves.” It was a confident declaration, almost too sinister for it to be coming from Clyde’s mouth, but it was enough for it to fall into line with a pleasant revenge scheme.  
  
“You do know that you really don’t control the universe, just because you have the stick. It’s just a stick Cartman picked up from the ground after Black Friday. It’s not really magical.”  
  
With lips formed into a frown, Clyde only offered Craig a shove on the arm in response to his commentary. “Don’t be a fuckin’ buzzkill. I know it’s not really magic, but in the game, I have the stick so I’m in charge. So I make the rules. Read the rulebook and you’ll learn all the new stuff I put in it. According to the rules, I’m basically God now, and that means everyone I’m not friends with sucks.”  
  
“Guess everyone sucks but you then.” It was definitely a joke poking fun at Clyde not being as well liked as some of the other students, but still not being necessarily unpopular. He meant no harm in his jest, but it’s said in just enough of a way that Clyde managed to only to shove him again before his legs speed up, moving him forward and past his friend.  
  
“My base is going to be cooler than both Cartman and Kyle’s!” he yelled from ahead of his neighbor, raising a hand to extend a middle finger to the boy who knows it best. “Come over later, and you’ll see!”  
  


**_Necromancy can be initiated in many forms, either through magic circles or summonings, to talismans and incantations! It’s not uncommon for necromancers to have a collection of morbid collectibles and accessories on their person to connect them more thoroughly to the realm of the dead. Many are known to consume foods associated with death and decay and some even will go as far as consume the dead themselves!*_ **   
**_*Consumption of the dead is entirely optional and punishment for said act may vary_ **   
**_depending on local laws regarding cannibalism._ **

  
It was going to be a project. With only the giant tree in his backyard and a couple of its saplings, Clyde was going to have to work on turning his tree fort into a tree fortress in the next twenty-four hours. He had the stick, and he’d already set up most of his clues and now, he just needed to somehow make it four times the size and capable of holding up an entire fort. He’d just have to work fast and wait to find out if those vampire kids were going to join him and his army of darkness.  
  
He had one major rule for those vampire kids.  
No fucking glitter.  
  
Gazing at his blueprint of the tower (a poorly drawn scribble on a sheet of crumpled notebook paper, possibly having been created a while back as an idealistic dream for the slightly pudgy boy), and then shifted his gaze to the tree his attention was dragged away by the call of his sister from the house, standing at the backdoor. She was a fair bit older than him, but not at all less embarrassing. She wasn’t exactly the prettiest of girls, but Clyde wouldn’t know. It was his sister after all. To outsiders, maybe a five on the scale, but it was likely due to that cursed family gene of having a little bit too much weight on her, and to top it all off, glasses thicker than beer bottles. Homely as she was, that didn’t mean she was any less Clyde’s sister, and having her around had its perks. Making his costumes for the game, helping him with his homework, providing endless laughter when she fell into the toilet after he left the seat up out of spite.  
  
“CLYDE. I finished that costume you wanted. You’re lucky I had leftover fabric from your last costume!” Turning his head he noted the hanger with the jacket hanging off of it, made from one of his dad’s old winter coats and his football pads that he’d become a little too big to wear during an actual game. There were a couple added embellishments he could have lived without but, hey. She was doing him a favor.  
  
A little annoyed from having been pulled away from his dark work, he called out for her, sounding a little more angry than necessary.“LEAVE IT ON MY BED, MARY.” was the whiny reply of a shout as Clyde’s youthful fury took over. Not a genuine fury, but that of a busy child with a revenge plot he needed to work on executing. “I need to finish my fortress of darkness! Get me when my friends come over!”  
Sounding annoyed herself, but in a way understanding of Clyde’s plan for destroying his local bullies, she just rolled her eyes and called back to him, draping the costume over her arm. If she were just a little bit younger then maybe, maybe she’d have joined her little brother in his attempt to rule the universe, but she was in high school. Much too mature for this nonsense. In high school you just make passive aggressive statuses on Facebook to destroy someone. One day, Clyde would understand and he would learn that passive aggression is the best way to piss someone off.

“They’re already here, they’ve been in the living room drinking dad’s clamato juice!”

**_Many acts of necromancy are committed at night, as the art is thought to be a nocturnal one, requiring power from the moon and the night sky in order to work correctly! In most cases blood from either a sacrifice or a living host is required, either to be consumed or treated as an artistic tool in the act of communicating with the dead!_ **

“Alright, so you get what the plan is. We’re going to war against Cartman and his stupid friends because they kicked me out of their game, and I just want you to use your vampire powers to beat them up. Are we cool?”

“So, can we like, convert them into one of our minions of darkness if we win?” the voice of one of the (hang on, how many people were there…? Seventeen? Weren’t there supposed to be more?) many vampires asked, a hand raised as if in a classroom.  
  
“No. I’m the Dark Lord, so only I am allowed to convert people into being minions.” As soon as he addressed the question he gestures a hand around the room, almost in disbelief at how few of the kids had shown up for his debriefing meeting. Furthermore, where was Craig? He was supposed to be here too, wasn’t he? Or was he still rallying up kids who looked enough like him so he could use that cloning attack he’d been working on. Last he head they were all still on Cartman’s side, but they were first and foremost on Craigs. . .Not too hard, right?  “But can someone tell me where the hell Mike is? I thought he was your leader and he’s not here.”   
  
With fingers pressed to the bridge of his nose, Clyde did have to spend just a moment asking himself one very crucial question: why the hell was he enlisting the help of the vampires? They’re just a bunch of weird kids obsessed with Twilight and Hot Topic after all. After hearing that no one was speaking up after his questioning of ‘Mike’ he had to correct himself with a roll of his eyes and a quiet sigh. “Sorry, not Mike. Vampir. Where is he?”  
  
“Vampir has a dentist appointment and can’t be here til after four!”  
  
“Alright, fine. So then where’s everyone else? I need more than just seventeen vampires to take down their armies. Where the hell is everyone, I can’t give my speech of darkness to only a few people!”  
  
“A lot of them go to other schools and they’re still in class right now. They’ll be here later.”  
  
Right.  
South Park didn’t have school thanks to this accident, but that didn’t mean Middle Park and North Park were school free also.  
Why the hell did he enlist the vampires? What a stupid idea.

**_Although many faiths disapprove of the act of necromancy, you should take these negative responses with a grain of salt! Even though it’s punishable by death in Christian and Jewish faith according to ancient scripture, it’s nothing you ought to concern yourself with. After all, you’re a necromancer now! You don’t need to worry about dying! The dead are on your side!_ **

In his back yard again, things were coming according to plan. The fort was gradually being assembled by Craig and the vampires alike, and well, Clyde was offering his assistance but he was in charge of seeing that it was being built. He was the one with the power right now, and as far as he was concerned, he was using that power correctly.

“So after you kill Cartman what are you going to do with the fort?” Craig managed to ask during an instance of shirking his responsibilities. “Seems really over the top to make a fortress of darkness to kill one kid and then do nothing with it.”

“I might kill the new kid too.” he says, almost nonchalantly as he gazes in appreciation to the fort growing from the ground, now on its second level of construction. “But after that I think it’d be pretty killer to use for sleepovers and parties.”

“So you’re going to murder some kids, and use the location of their deaths for parties.” Another statement on Craigs behalf meant to be taken as a non-serious question. “Cool.”

“What would you do?”

“I’d probably do the same thing. Put the dead bodies on display or something and talk to them like they’re guests or something.”

Morbid, of course, but for Clyde that didn’t sound like a terrible idea. Fingers slipped into his pocket to pull one of the vials of green goo out to examine it. He had a point. Once he got rid of the other kids he could always bring them back as party guests. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have it in his power. He had just the tool right in his fingers.

**_Now that we’ve been able to go over some of the history of necromancy, it’s time for us to start reviewing exactly how to summon the dead to do your bidding! It’ll be a step-by-step process, so how about we get comfortable and get a notebook and a pencil and some healthy snacks so we can start taking some notes on how to be a lawful necromancer in today's society!_ **

* * *

 

Clyde had been planning this for a while. Since his mother died, and since he got sucked into forfeiting his cash over for that stupid SUEance, he’d been wanting to do things correctly. Even though his mother passed on while the two of them were relatively hostile towards one another, Clyde still felt responsible. He wasn’t putting the seat back down just because she said so, but he did still feel pretty guilty about her actually dying from it all. Never had he heard of something so crazy, and there was no possible way that any toilet could have sucking power that strong to rip out someone’s internal organs.   
  
Nah, he’d gone snooping. His mom wasn’t killed from a goddamn toilet. It was organ failure of some kid, and the whole toilet fiasco? Just a rouse to make sure he learned a lesson when his mom died. It was a sick joke, and if anything, he needed to tell his mom off before she was totally gone from this world. It’d been a few years, but he figured he could at least try.  
  
For weeks after her passing, he had absorbed himself in reading. What a shocker, reading. He wasn’t the smartest of kids but when something really interested him, he took to learning everything he could about it. And for him, he’d become ridiculously obsessed with the idea of raising the dead. But he was tapping into dark things. He’d seen what happened when Cthulu came to earth shortly before his mom died. He saw what evils there were in the universe. So if he was going to study this and get to tell his mom off. . .He was going to need to be a little more selective in the dark forces he chose to aid him.  
  
So maybe it was just really good timing that this new kid came to town. And maybe it was fate that he was “banished from space and time” and maybe it was a good move that he just. . .happened to be immune to that goo he’d found.  
  
Everything was falling into place.  
Craig may have known what he was talking about when it came to whether or not the stick really had magical properties. But Clyde had been preparing for this sort of ordeal for a while now. He’d been preparing for what seemed like ages. With as much time as he’d spent studying these arts, it was all too well timed for him.  
  
Gazing down at that notebook and the official guide to necromancy he had mailed in from Amazon, there was a slot to fill in his name, and with a quick, deft hand, he scrawled his name.  
  
It was late after Black Friday.  
The stick had been found and dubbed the relic to keep peace between the kingdom of humans and elves. And Clyde Donovan was already beginning his plot to overthrow both sides. This time next year, the world would be his.

 

 


End file.
